What Wasn’t I Thinking?
Sebastian Stuart
“Sebastian Stuart’s dazzling memoir held me in its thrall like the best kind of novel. His mastery of suspense and his inherent humanity make for one electrifying read. And, like all good memoirists, he made me reexamine my own life along the way.” —Armistead Maupin
“A madcap and a captivating, deeply moving chronicle of madness—a combination of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Franny and Zooey, and The Bell Jar.”—Kevin Sessums, author of Mississippi Sissy
“A gripping read—as sad and sweet as life itself.” —Edmund White
Sebastian Stuart had a heady childhood. His brilliant, acerbic mother was the Entertainment Editor of Life magazine, and his father was an Oscar-nominated filmmaker. James Baldwin was a dinner guest and Bette Midler paid a courtesy call. Yet beneath the glittering parties, the family was haunted by unspoken tragedy.
By age fifteen Sebastian was dropping acid and turning tricks for money. He found friendship and solace with his cousin Tina, an aspiring poet and striking beauty who was signed by the Ford modeling agency. When Tina began to exhibit symptoms of schizophrenia, Sebastian was torn between a desire to save her and the fear of losing himself in her madness.
From San Francisco in the '70s to New York in the AIDS-ravaged '80s, Stuart's quest for self-discovery leads to a sad and shocking understanding of his family history and the price of grief denied. And, ultimately, it leads to redemption. By turns hilarious, irreverent and heartbreaking, What Wasn’t I Thinking is an unflinching evocation of loss and forgiveness.
Sebastian Stuart featured on the Queer Words Podcast
Sebastian’s cousin, Tina
About the Author:
Sebastian Stuart has published nine novels, including a national bestseller published in eight languages, a New York Times bestseller and a Book of the Month Club selection. His novel The Hour Between was an NPR “Season’s Readings” selection and won the Ferro-Grumley Award as best LGBT novel of the year. He lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
““Reading this rowdy and seductive memoir is like meeting the most fascinating person at the party and having him all to yourself. With both humor and pathos, Sebastian Stuart whispers all the juiciest gossip in your ear while examining the consequences of privilege and the shockwaves of intergenerational trauma, sparing no one in his sights—especially himself. At the heart of this story, though, is a love: a transformational friendship between two members of an utterly unforgettable family, and a journey of self-discovery that becomes a moving tale of survival.””
““What Wasn’t I Thinking? is a sexy joyride of a memoir. It takes readers from a privileged upbringing in glamorous post-war New York to a wild San Francisco in the ‘70s and then back again. You can’t help but cheer for Sebastian Stuart as he makes his way into the world and watches helplessly as his best friend and soulmate, an emotionally fragile cousin named Tina, starts to lose her grip on reality. An affecting and addictive read.””
““A very fine memoir about a brilliant, kind, scared, lonely gay boy becoming a man.” —Meredith Hall, author of the New York Times bestselling memoir Without a Map
“I had to take an Ambien because I was lying in bed and couldn’t stop thinking about this book. And when I did fall asleep, I dreamed all night about this book! What Wasn’t I Thinking? goes from the world of John Cheever to Graham Greene to Joan Didion. I’m just amazed at Stuart’s story and how well he tells it.””
““Told with both child-like wonder and keen-eyed wisdom, What Wasn’t I Thinking? is a captivating glimpse into a reckless, heartbreaking, and ultimately redeeming life. It’s also sex-fueled, celebrity-ridden, and binge-worthy. A wild ride.””
““Sebastian Stuart’s compulsively readable new book is that rare thing: a very personal memoir that reflects upon fascinating times and far-flung places with empathy and delight rather than bitterness and blame. What Wasn’t I Thinking? vividly captures how it felt to be in the most happening of places in late 20th-century America: San Francisco in the 70s, and New York City in the surrounding decades. It’s a tender and funny account of a life well, and generously, lived.””
